Dharma in Daily Life
Alexander Berzin
Morelia, Mexico, June 6, 2000
I have been asked to speak about the practice of Dharma in daily
life. We need to know what we mean by Dharma. Dharma is a Sanskrit word
that literally means "a preventive measure." It is something that we do
in order to avoid problems. To have any interest in practicing the
Dharma, we need to see that there are problems in life. That actually
takes a lot of courage. Many people do not take themselves or their
lives seriously. They work very hard all day long and then distract
themselves with entertainment and so on in the evenings because they are
tired. They don’t really look inwardly to the problems in their lives.
Even if they do look at their problems, they do not really want to
acknowledge that their lives are not satisfactory because it would be
too depressing. It takes courage to really check the quality of our
lives and to admit honestly when we find it unsatisfactory.
Of course, there are levels of unsatisfactoriness. We could say,
"Sometimes I have bad moods and sometimes things go well, but that’s
okay. That’s life." If we are content with that, fine. If we have some
hope that we can make things a little bit better, it leads us to look
for a way to do so. In order to find methods to improve the quality of
our lives we need to identify the source of our problems. Most people
look externally for the source of their problems. "I am having
difficulty in my relationship with you because of you! You are
not acting the way I would like you to act." We may also blame our
difficulties on the political or economic situation. According to some
schools of psychology, we can look to traumatic events in our childhood
as what led us to have the problems that we have. It is very easy to
blame our unhappiness on others. Placing
the blame on other people or social or economic factors does not really
lead to a solution. If we have this conceptual framework, we might be forgiving and
it may have some benefit, but most people find that only doing this much
has not relieved them of their psychological problems and unhappiness.
Buddhism says that although other people, society, and so on
contribute to our problems, they are not really the deepest source of
them. To discover the deepest source of our difficulties we need to look
within. After all, if we feel unhappy in life, it is a response to our
situation. Different people respond to the same situation differently.
Even if we just look at ourselves, we find that we respond differently
to difficulties from one day to the next. If the source of the problem
were just the external situation, we should respond in the same way all
the time, but we
do not. There are factors that affect
how we respond, such as having a good day at work, but these are only
superficial contributing factors. They do not go deeply enough.
If we look, we start to see that our attitudes toward
life, ourselves, and our situations contribute very much to how we feel.
For example, we don’t feel sorry for ourselves all the time, like when
we are having a good day; but when we are not having a good day, the
feeling of self-pity recurs. The basic attitudes that we have toward
life very much shape how we experience life. If we examine more deeply,
we find that our attitudes are based on confusion.
If we explore confusion, we see that one aspect of it is confusion
about behavioral cause and
effect. We are confused about what to do or say and about what
will happen as a result. We can be very confused about what type of job
to get, whether to get married, whether to have children, etc. If we get
into a relationship with a person, what will
the result be? We do not know. Our ideas of what will follow from our
choices are really just fantasies. We might think that if we get into a
deep relationship with a certain person, we will live happily ever
after, like in a fairy tale. If we are upset in a situation, we think
that yelling will make it better. We have a very confused idea about how
the other person is going to respond to what we do. We think that if we
yell and speak our minds, we
will feel better and everything will be all right, but everything will
not be all right. We want to know what will happen. We desperately look
at astrology or throw coins for The Book of Changes, the I
Ching. Why do we do things like that? We want to be in control of
what happens.
Buddhism says that a deeper level of confusion is confusion about how
we and others exist and about how the world exists. We are confused
about the whole issue of control. We think that it is possible to be
totally in control of what happens to us. Because of that, we get
frustrated. It is not possible to always be in control. That is not reality.
Reality is very complex. Many things influence what happens, not just
what we do. It is not that we are totally out of control or manipulated
by external forces either. We contribute to what happens, but we are not
the sole factor that determines what happens.
Because of our confusion and insecurity, we often act destructively without even knowing that it is
destructive behavior. This is because we are under the influence of
disturbing emotions, disturbing attitudes,
and the compulsive impulses that come up from our habits. Not only do we
act destructively toward others; we primarily act in self-destructive
ways. In other words, we create more problems for ourselves. If we want
fewer problems or liberation from our problems, or even further, the
ability to help others to get out of their problems as well, we need to
acknowledge the source of our limitations.
Let us say that we can recognize that the source of our problems is
confusion. This is not too difficult. Many people reach the point of
saying, "I am really confused. I am messed up." Then what? Before we go
and spend money on this course or that retreat, we need to consider very
seriously whether we really are convinced that it is possible to get
rid of our confusion. If we don’t think it is possible to get of
confusion, what are we trying to do? If we go only with the hope that it
may be possible to get rid of our confusion, it is not very stable. It
is wishful thinking.
We might think that freedom could come about in several ways. We
might think that somebody will save us. It could be a higher, divine
figure, such as God, and so we become born-again believers.
Alternatively, we may look to a spiritual teacher, a partner,
or someone else to save us from our confusion. In such situations, it is
easy to become dependent on the other person and to behave immaturely.
We are often so desperate to find someone to save us that we are
indiscriminate in whom we turn to. We might choose someone who is not
free from confusion himself or herself and who, because of his or her
own disturbing emotions and attitudes, takes advantage of our naïve
dependence. This is not a stable way to proceed. We cannot look to a
spiritual teacher or a relationship to clear up all our confusion. We
have to clear up our own confusion.
A relationship with a spiritual teacher or with a partner can provide
helpful circumstances, but only when the relationship is a healthy one.
When it is unhealthy, it just makes it worse. It leads to more
confusion. In the beginning, we can be in a deep state of denial,
thinking that the teacher is perfect, the partner is perfect, but
eventually our naiveté wears off. When we start to see the weaknesses in
the other person and that the other person is not going to save us from
all our confusion, we crash. We feel betrayed. Our faith and our trust
have been betrayed. That is a terrible feeling! It is very important to
try to avoid that from the beginning. We need to practice the Dharma,
preventive measures. We need to understand what is possible and what is
not. What can a spiritual teacher do and what can a spiritual teacher
not do? We take preventive measures to avoid crashing.
We need to develop a state of mind that is free of confusion. The
opposite of confusion, understanding, will prevent confusion from
arising. Our work in the Dharma is to be introspective and attentive
to our attitudes, our disturbing emotions, and our impulsive,
compulsive, or neurotic behavior. That means being willing to see things
in ourselves that are not so nice, things we would rather deny. When we
notice things that are causing our problems or are symptoms of our
problems, we need to apply opponents to overcome them. All of this is
based on study and meditation. We have to learn to identify
disturbing emotions and attitudes and where they come from.
Meditation means that we practice applying the various opponents in a
controlled situation so that we become familiar with how to apply them
and can then do so in real life. For example, if we get angry
with others when they don’t act the way we would like them to, in
meditation we think of these situations and try to look at them from a
different point of view. The other person
is acting in disagreeable ways for many different reasons. He or she is
not necessarily acting out of spite because he or she doesn’t love us. In
meditation, we try to dissolve such attitudes: "My friend doesn’t love
me anymore because he or she didn’t call me."
If we can practice going through this type of situation with a state
of mind that is more relaxed, understanding, and patient, then if the
person doesn’t call us for a week we don’t get so upset. When we start
to get upset, we remember that this person is probably very busy and it
is egocentric to think that we are the most important person in his or
her life. This helps us to cool our emotional upset.
Dharma practice is not a hobby. It is not something that we do as a
sport or for relaxation. We do not just go to a Dharma center to be part
of a group or to be in a social atmosphere. It may be very nice to go
there, but that is not the purpose. Also, we don’t go to a Dharma center
like a addict getting a fix – a fix of inspiration from a charismatic,
entertaining teacher who makes us feel good. If we do, we go home, soon
feel blah, and then we need another fix. Dharma is not a drug. Teachers
are not drugs. Dharma practice is a full-time job. We are talking about
working on our attitudes toward everything in our lives. If we are
working on developing love for all sentient beings, for example, we need
to apply it in our families. Many people sit in their rooms meditating
on love, but cannot get along with their parents or their partners. This
is sad.
In trying to apply the Dharma to our real life situations at home and
at work, we need to avoid extremes. One pole of the extreme is putting
the whole blame on others. The other extreme is putting the entire blame
on ourselves. What happens in life is very complex. Both sides
contribute: others contribute; we contribute. We can try to get others
to change their behavior and attitudes, but I am sure we all know from
personal experience it is not very easy – especially if we come on in a
self-righteous, holy way and accuse the other of being a sinner. It is
much easier to try to change ourselves. Although we can make suggestions
to others, if they are receptive and if they will not become more
aggressive because of our suggestions, but the major work is on
ourselves.
In working on ourselves, we have to watch
for another pair of extremes: being totally preoccupied with our
feelings and not being aware of them at all. The first is narcissistic
preoccupation. We are only concerned about what we feel. We tend to
ignore what others are feeling. We tend to think that what we feel is
far more important than what other people are feeling. On the other
hand, we may be totally out of touch with our feelings or feel nothing
at all, as if our emotions were shot with Novocain. Avoiding these
extremes requires a delicate balance. It is not so easy.
If we are always watching ourselves it creates an imagined duality –
ourselves and what we are feeling or doing – and so we are not really
into relating to someone or being with somebody. The real art is to
relate and act in a natural and sincere
way, while part of our attention is on our motivation
and so on. We need to try to do this, however, without having it be
such a fractured way of acting that we are not present with the other
person. I should also point out that if we are checking our motivation
and feelings during the process of relating to someone, sometimes it is
helpful to tell the person. However, it is very narcissistic to feel
that we have to tell the person. Often, other people are not
interested in what we are feeling. It is very self-important to feel
that they want to know. When we notice that we are starting to act
selfishly, we can just stop it. We don’t have to announce it.
Another set of two extremes is that we are all bad or all good. If we
put too much emphasis on our difficulties, our problems, and our
disturbing emotions, we could start to feel that we are bad persons.
That very easily degenerates into guilt. "I should practice. If I don’t,
I am a bad person." This is a very neurotic basis for practice.
We also need to avoid the other extreme, which is putting too much
emphasis on our positive sides. "We are all perfect. Just see your Buddha-natures. Everything is wonderful." This is
very dangerous, because it can imply that we don’t need to give up
anything, we don’t need to stop any negativities because all we need to
do is see our Buddha-natures.
"I am wonderful. I am perfect. I do not have to stop my negative
behavior." We need a balance. If we are feeling too down on ourselves,
we need to remind ourselves of our Buddha-natures; if we are feeling a
little bit too blasé, we need to emphasize our negative sides.
Basically, we need to take responsibility ourselves: for our
development and for getting rid of our problems. Of course, we need
help. It is not easy to do this by ourselves. We can get help from
spiritual teachers or from our spiritual community, people who are
like-minded and who are working on themselves and not blaming each other
for their problems. That is why in a partnership, it is important to
share the same type of attitude, particularly that of not blaming the
other for any problems that arise. If both partners are blaming each
other, it does not work at all. If only one partner is working on
himself or herself and the other is just blaming, it doesn’t work
either. If we are already in a relationship in which the other person is
accusing, but we are looking into what we might be contributing, it
does not mean that we need break off the relationship, but it is more
difficult. We have to try to avoid being the martyr in this
relationship. "I am enduring all of this! It is difficult!" The whole
thing can be very neurotic.
The form of support that
we can get from a spiritual teacher, from a like-minded spiritual
community and friends is sometimes called "inspiration." The Buddhist
teachings place a lot of emphasis on receiving inspiration from the
Triple Gem, from teachers, and so on. The Tibetan word is "jinlab" (byin-rlabs),
usually translated as "blessings," which is an inappropriate
translation. We need inspiration. We need some sort of strength to go
on.
The Dharma path is not an easy one. It is
dealing with the ugliness of life. We need stable sources of
inspiration. If the source of our inspiration is teachers telling
fantastic stories of miracles and all these sorts of things – about
themselves or about others in Buddhist history – it will not be a very
stable source of inspiration. It certainly can be very exciting, but we
have to examine how this is affecting us. In many people, it reinforces a fantasy
world in which we are wishing for salvation through miracles. We imagine
that some grand magician is going to save us with his or her miracle
powers, or that we will suddenly be able to develop these miraculous
things ourselves. We have to be very cautious with respect to these
fantastic stories. They may inspire our faith and so on, and that can be
helpful, but it is not a stable basis of inspiration. We need a stable
basis.
A perfect example is that of the Buddha. Buddha did not try to
"inspire" people or impress them by telling fantastic stories. He did
not put on airs by going around and blessing people and stuff like that.
The analogy that Buddha used, repeated throughout the Buddhist
teachings, is that a Buddha is like the sun. The sun does not try to
warm people. Naturally, from the way the sun is, it spontaneously brings
warmth to everyone. Although we may get high from hearing a fantastic
story or by being touched on the head with a statue or getting a red
string to tie around our necks, it is not stable. A stable source of
inspiration is the way the teacher spontaneously and naturally is as a
person – his or her character, the way he or she is as a result of
practicing the Dharma. This is what is inspiring, not some act that the
person puts on to entertain us. Although this may not be as exciting as a
fantastic story, it will give us a stable sense of inspiration.
As we progress, we can get inspiration
ourselves from our own progress – not from gaining miraculous powers,
but from how our characters slow change. The teachings always emphasize
rejoicing in our own positive acts. It is very important to remember
that progress is never linear. It does not just get better everyday. One
of the characteristics of samsara is that our moods go up and down until
we are completely free from samsara, which is an unbelievably advanced
state. We must expect that we will sometimes feel happy and sometimes
unhappy. We will sometimes be able to act in positive ways and other
times our neurotic habits will be overpowering. It is going to be up and
down. Miracles do not happen, usually.
The teachings on avoiding the eight worldly concerns emphasize not
getting a swollen head if things go well and not becoming depressed if
they do not go well. That is life. We need to look at the long-term
effects, not the short-term effects. If we have been practicing for five
years, for example, compared to five years ago there is a lot of
progress. Even though we sometimes get upset, if we find that we are
able to handle situations with calmer, clearer minds and hearts, that
indicates that we have made some progress. This is inspiring. It is not
dramatic, although we would like it to be dramatic and we get high on
dramatic shows. It is stable inspiration.
We need to be quite practical and down to earth. When we do
purification practices, like Vajrasattva practice, it is important not
to think of it as Saint Vajrasattva purifying us. It is not some
external figure, a great saint who will save us and bless us with
purification. That is not the process at all. Vajrasattva stands for the
natural purity of the clear light mind, which is not inherently stained by confusion.
Confusion can be removed. It is by recognizing the natural purity of
the mind through our own efforts that we can let go of guilt, negative
potentials, and so on. That enables the purification process to work.
Further, in doing all these practices and trying to put Dharma into
our daily lives, we need to recognize and acknowledge the level we are
on. It is crucial not to be pretentious or to feel that we must be at a
higher level than we are on now.
Most of us here come from a Catholic background. As we approach the
Dharma and start to study, we do not need to feel that we need to give
up Catholicism and convert to Buddhism. However, it is important not to
mix the two practices. We don’t do three prostrations to the altar
before sitting down in a church. Likewise, when we do a Buddhist
practice, we don’t visualize the Virgin Mary, we visualize Buddha-figures. We practice
each individually. When we go to church, we just go to church; when we
do a Buddhist meditation, we do a Buddhist meditation. There are many
common features, such as the emphasis on love, helping others, and so
on. There is no conflict on the basic level. If we practice love,
charity, and helping others, we are both a good Catholic and a good
Buddhist. Eventually, however, we will have to make a choice, but that
is only when we are ready to put our full effort into making tremendous
spiritual progress. If we are going to go to the top story of a
building, we cannot go up two staircases at the same time. I think that
is a very helpful image. If we are just functioning on the basic ground
level, in the lobby, fine. We don’t have to worry about it. We can
benefit from both.
In applying Dharma to our lives, we have to be careful not to reject
our native religions as bad or inferior. That is a big mistake. Then we
could become a fanatic Buddhist and a fanatic anti-Catholic, for
example. People do that with communism and democracy too. A
psychological mechanism called misplaced loyalty takes over. There is a
tendency to want to be loyal to our families, our backgrounds, and so
on, so we want to be loyal to Catholicism although we have rejected it.
If we are not loyal to our backgrounds and totally reject them as bad,
we feel we are completely bad. Because this is extremely uncomfortable,
we unconsciously feel the need to find something in our backgrounds to
which we can be loyal.
The tendency is unconsciously to be loyal to certain less-beneficial
aspects of our backgrounds. For example, we may reject Catholicism, but
we bring a strong fear of hells into Buddhism. A friend of mine was very
strongly Catholic, turned strongly to Buddhism, and then had an
existential crisis. "I gave up Catholicism so now I will go to Catholic
hell; but if I give up Buddhism and go back to Catholicism, I will go to
Buddhist hell!" Although it might sound funny, it was
really quite a serious problem to her.
We often unconsciously bring certain attitudes from Catholicism into
our Buddhist practice. The most common ones are guilt and looking for
miracles and for others to save us. If we don’t practice, we feel that
we should practice, and if we don’t, we are guilty. These
ideas are not at all helpful. We need to recognize when we are doing
this. We need to look at our backgrounds and acknowledge the positive
aspects so that we can be loyal to the positive rather than to the
negative features. Rather than thinking, "I have inherited guilt and
miracle-seeking," we can think, "I have inherited the Catholic tradition
of love, charity, and helping the unfortunate."
We can do the same thing regarding our families. We might reject them
and then be unconsciously loyal to their negative traditions, rather
than consciously loyal to their
positive ones. If we acknowledge, for example, that we are very grateful
for the Catholic backgrounds they have given us, then we can go on our
own paths without conflict about our past and without negative feelings
constantly jeopardizing our progress.
It is important to try to understand the psychological validity of
this. If we think of our past – our families, our religions of birth, or
whatever – as negative, we tend to have negative attitudes toward
ourselves. On the other hand, if we can acknowledge the positive things
in our backgrounds and our past, we tend more to have positive attitudes
toward ourselves. That helps us to be much more stable in our spiritual
paths.
We need to proceed slowly, step-by-step. When we hear very advanced
teachings, go to tantric empowerments,
and so forth, although great masters of the past have said, "As soon as
you hear a teaching, immediately put it into practice," we need to
determine whether something is too advanced for us or if it is something
that we can put into practice now. If it is too advanced, we have to
discern the steps we will need to take to prepare ourselves to be able
to put it into practice, and then follow those steps. In short, as one
of my teachers, Geshe Ngawang Dhargyey, said, "If we practice
fantasy methods, we get imaginary results; if we practice practical
methods, we will get practical results."